44

44.

Voici ce que j'ai écrit environ quatre mois plus tard en revenant de mon mois au Canada. À ce moment j'étais séparée de H. et je voulais sortir avec un deuxième R., un ami depuis sept ans maintenant.

Labyrinthe

« dans ce monde complètement fucké où j'aurai ptet eu besoin d'toé....

So much happened lately! And all I think about is the way I'm falling in love with my best friend! We've known each other for 6 years now but I've been looking at him differently for the past 7 months or so. I just need to talk about it. The complicated thing is not even my recently ex boyfriend. No, this time it's different, I'm not trying to choose between two guys, because I made up my mind, well, my emotions decided for me when my heart accelerated when R. went online that day. And you know what, in fact I've known it for a long time! I forgot that this summer I told someone I was in love with R. already! And of course in November I felt like I was falling in love with him already! And now in January... What am I to do now? I don't get him! I don't know what he wants! I wish he would just come up to me and tell me he's been in love with me the whole time! But that's SO not gonna happen!  Let's recap what he said: he said he didn't want a relationship, said he wished he'd find a girl who would lead the couple and act, said he didn't want to hurt me, said I should act now but only spoke about sex, said he meant what he said and nothing else... Only sex can happen.. maybe he'll change his mind afterwards.. NO, this never happen, that's what girls think and that's why they have sex but sex never made a guy loving you! So okay, I'm in love with my best friend......................

I spend my time looking at his pictures when I'm not with him. I'm totally dependent. I didn't want to but my feelings decided for me. I know the whole point of breaking up with Hugo was to find myself and define what I want and like and so on, but R. is a proof I can't rely on myself, I need a man in my life, I'm obviously sill looking for my dad since he's never been there, well he was but for a really short time, I lost him a long time ago.

It's funny the way everything always come down to the same thing: family. Whatever my trouble is, I always end up speaking about my parents, especially my dad. Freud was right. But what can you do about that? I mean, yeah, I know I have issues with my parents, I know most of what I need to know, but I don't know HOW to solve these issues! Yes my dad has been an alcoholic since he met my step mother, yes my mum abandoned my sister and me for four years when we were 4 and 6 years old. And yes my dad said no to me only once and my mum told me all about bills and the difficulty to pay them when I was 12. And my sister tried to kill herself two years ago. It's a chance she didn't know pills for headaches wouldn't do it.

But HOW am I supposed to move on? My first psychologist told me it's not WHY we act but HOW we act that matters. Alright but that doesn't tell me HOW. So I'm writing this little article to try to have an overview and understand things. But I KNOW that's not how it works, right? The thing is: you only find answers when you're not looking for them and the best way to find answers is to listen to your emotions. The famous 'listen to your heart' thing. Yeah, what do you do when you can't hear it?

The truth is that you DO hear it. Only you don't WANT to hear it. Why? Fear, of course! Our old friennemy. I understood that the key is to accept your fear, learn to live with it. That's why I broke up with Hugo. But why doesn't it help me to move on with R.? I just feel that I'm gonna screw up if I listen to my feelings, he's my best friend you know. I can't just screw that up. But I don't know how long I can handle just being with him without being with him.

But when I'm with him I don't dare kissing him. Something is holding me back. I don't know what. Maybe him. I mean, I can feel that he doesn't want to. Well, I don't know. Maybe it just feels weird to kiss your best friend. Maybe he wants to see if I can do it, if I've made up my mind so he won't suffer from a change in my mind. No I think he would tell me if he wanted to be with me. He just wouldn't be able to wait. I can't. Well right now I don't have any choice cause I won't see him until friday. But then nothing can happen cause I'm seeing H. for the first time -since I got back from my month in Canada- on saturday. And I know I won't be able to hide it from him if I slept with R.

Losing hope is easy...

***

(Un mois plus tard)

Reading this feels stupid now... R. went out with some other girl. It didn't go well. I don't care anymore. I feel silly. I feel like shit in fact. It's hard to find the words. My hands are weak, my throat is closing on itself, my heart is literally sinking into a huge void. I'm not a writer. I never find the words. My writing is not fluent. My eyes are crying. I'm so lonely. V. is not there. You would have thought she would be there. But she's not. No one is. No one will ever be. We're all alone. It's a truth too hard to digest. I miss H.. He helped me. A lot. I'm wondering if I should call him. I don't know I might feel worse because then I'll realize he is all I have. I don't have any friend.

***

(Sept mois plus tard)

What was that? J'en sais rien. Ca fait bizarre de voir tout ça après des mois. Je ne vais pas fill in the gap sinon j'en arriverai jamais à maintenant! C'est débile cette histoire avec R. C'est juste parce que c'est mon ami que je n'ai pas pu l'embrasser. Enfin bref. Tout ceci montre que mes problèmes sont non seulement ridicules mais se répètent éternellement.

En fait la différence avec maintenant c'est que je ne sais pas pourquoi je vais mal. Je suis dans le même état qu'en mars mais sans raison. Je me suis pris la tête la avec ma mère, je ne lui dirai plus rien. Je n'ai pas d'endroit où vivre, j'ai déménagé quatre fois ce mois-ci.. Je me suis retrouvée au coeur de mon histoire entre H. et Yann et ça n'a rien donné à part que je ne veux plus retourner chez eux. Yann est chiant. Ah oui je me suis remise avec H. genre juste après la dernière chose que j'ai écrite. S'il voit ça il va penser que c'est juste parce que je n'ai que lui. J'en sais rien. Mais c'est vrai que je n'ai que lui. D'ailleurs c'est de lui que je voulais parler ce soir. C'est le meilleur petit ami du monde. And yet, il peut rien faire pour m'aider. Et je m'en veux tellement de lui infliger tout ça! Juste cet état zombiesque dans lequel je suis! Il est là. Il vient me voir, il m'écoute, il m'offre des fleurs! Et moi je pleure! Je stress vis-à-vis de ma famille, de mon futur boulot, de moi-même. J'ai des phases où j'ai l'impression de ne pouvoir ressentir que de la douleur. Où je n'arrive plus à penser. Mon corps me fait mal. Il est tendu et fatigué. J'ai fait un malaise puis un début de malaise, avec une crise de larmes entre temps. Et maintenant la lassitude. Qu'est-ce qu'il essaie de me dire? Que je ne devrais plus avancer? Que je ne devrais pas aller en cours et continuer dans cette voie? Quoi???? Il ne peut pas y avoir de comment s'il n'y a pas de pourquoi. C'est ça que j'aurais dû répondre à Dominique. Sans but, on ne fait rien. Ou tout de travers. Ou tout à l'envers. Je me fais du mal encore plus en buvant mais ça montre que j'ai toujours une volonté. C'est quand je resterai juste plantée là toute la journée qu'il faudra s'inquièter. Plus de volonté. Volonté de quoi. Tout se mélange dans ma tête. Papa, l'alcool, mamy, l'australie, la solitude. Teddy. Ma peluche. 22 ans que je me la trimbale. Et ces mains qui tapent sur le clavier et qui souffrent à chaque mouvement. De quoi? Tourner les pages du dictionnaire me faisait mal tout à l'heure. Un corps qui n'en peut plus à 22 ans ce n'est pas possible. C'est la force du mental. Partir, se mettre en mouvement. Oui, mais on n'oublie pas. Quelque soient les problèmes on les emporte avec soi. Comment on les oublie? Comment fait-on pour arrêter de penser? En fait c'est en train de se faire tout seul. Ces moments zombiesques.

C'est marrant la différence de ton entre le français et l'anglais. Plus pausé le français, plus doux, moins agressif, moins vivant.

Douleur

Jeux

Fête

Amis

Sans

Pain

Joie

Horreur

Méchanceté

Vulgarité

Pléthorique?

Vincent

Grinçant

Violent

boisson

Chanson

Moisson

Maison

Maman

Papa

Pas de chat

Perdu

Mordu

Joyeux

Grincheux

Mon esprit est trop formaté pour jouer au jeu des associations d'idée, je fais de rimes ou des contraires...

En fait vincent c'est le mec pour qui ma mère à quitté mon père...

Il va vite en avoir marre, H. I mean. C'est con il est tellement génial. Il ne retire rien de notre relation. Il va finir par s'en rendre compte et moi je vais me tirer une balle. Ou juste errer. »